Today we have the knight of cups reversed and the 4 of swords. The knight of cups is my soggy husband who likes to sleep in and declare "day off" privileges. The 4 of swords is what I need to do with this nervous energy which was only exacerbated by my rehearsal yesterday. I am so close to being so brilliant in this style but it saps my noggin after a few hours. It is hard to put the time in but it is what Needs Doing.

Yoga was HARDS today so I did hard things. It was trying to stop the thoughts, they just kept spinning around and bugging me. It is also hard to re-direct the energy. I have become so used to sending it up that it requires a bit of work to turn it around but I can feel it working already. I've been trying to find more info and more teachings about pranayama, it is the next thing that needs my attention for my home practice. I shall put the call out.

I've also been thinking about trying to do some dream analysis, but I'm not really sure where to start with that since I don't really remember my dreams currently, but I'd like to and I'd like to know what's going on up there...

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Listening to: Booker T. & The MG's - No Matter What Shape

ha ha ha ha

Much better today, Queen of Pentacles and 7 of Pentacles. So many pentacles this week. It's funny, pulling scary tarot cards makes me do yoga pronto and it always seems to fix the problem. For all of the scary cards, though, yesterday was an easy day. No screaming or crying until right there at the end.

Abbey and Ella have this imaginary game that they play call "Danielle and Shoatza" where Abbey is Danielle and Ella is Shoatza and they have adventures. It is funny.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of my awesome book that I was reading but now have finished. It would seem that the point and purpose of this life is to make beautiful experiences and laugh a lot. All of the other stuff that seems so necessary just isn't. We are blessed to be in 3-d because this is the only dimension where there is actual physical experience. Even though it sort of hurts sometimes, and sometimes a lot, that's the trade off.



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Now playing: Beastie Boys - Body Movin'
via FoxyTunes

Noticed something during yoga practice today, I noticed that it would be OK to do really just exactly what I want to do, and that it would be good to practice doing that always.

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Now playing: Primus - Sgt. Baker
via FoxyTunes

Got a Blank Space

where my mind should be...

I had initially, on hearing these lyrics, thought of them as a sort of negative. Like, suppose somebody had done something horrific and now could only think in the nothings of what horrific things leave of our lives. And I think that they do mean that, but today while I was practicing I had another thought about them as I was striving to clear my mind of all thought I realized that I was striving for that blank space, and that the memories of being free of bodily concerns is the driving force behind why to practice. So I will try to steal time from my faulty plans and spend time on the less faulty ones...

In other news I have been going to class on the weekends and being re-inspired. This weekend I went to my usual saturday morning class which didn't push me very hard so I also went on sunday. It all started out really hard, in that I am used to practicing by myself and breathing in and out as I see fit, but invariably when I was beginning the inhale the teacher would say "exhale and do whatever" which just kept throwing me off balance. She seemed to be out of whack a bit, her directions weren't very clear and I found myself having to look around for confirmation of what was going on more than I'd like. But then we got to the inversion part of the show where she called for forearm stand and I thought, ooh, I think I might be able to do that so I just pretended that I could and up I went. It was magical and easy and made all of the other crap worthwhile. So today while I was practicing in my tripod headstand I decided to go on up a little and boy was that magnificent. So I am all studly yoga lady now, but then I drew the 5 of pentacles which always reminds me to stay humble and not get all big headed.

but it sure was fun

The first of many

Today was my first day of having a little guaranteed time to myself on a regular scheduled basis, and oh my lordy was it ever amazing. I put on my next in line Phish show and started out with some sun salutations. It was hard to block out the voices and the plannings, so I abandoned my regularly scheduled ashtanga short form and dug out that ana forest ab thing that I have been meaning to check out. woo, yeah, I'll be doing that a lot before I can actually do it... So then I'm trying to figure out what to do next and I remember back last year when I was doing a lot of stuff out of the jivamukti book, so I haul that out and it was like putting on the old poncho that fits perfectly, and then that first little part of bouncin came on and I learned that the woman in the dream I had is ME.

Thursday already! Let's see, what shall we do today? I was still really sore and achy at yoga time yesterday so I did lots of stretching and less of crazy things. Off to the gym today and then we are recording at COD which is not really that fun or interesting anymore, but does get the adrenalin going. Can't fuck up, ya know? Tape's rolling. then there is an hour and a half of ballet this evening. That should poop them out. There are 2 girls there who only play with each other and don't allow anyone else to play with them. And it's like, I really like their mom's but what the fuck ladies? A) your kids are disrupting class and B) they are being huge assholes! I just leave and don't watch class anymore but these mom's can sit there and watch an hours worth of this shit every fucking week? They are the 2 teachers too, well, one of them is a teacher and the other is in school to be. I'm really appalled and mortified, though, if you can't tell. Fortunately Abbey and Ella both just participate in the class and pretty much hang out with everybody. At Ballet and at swimming. Nobody like to put their face in the water, yet, that's when we'll have fishes instead of daughters.

I am doing my best not to hurry the finishing work on this blanket but I got a mitten pattern generator and had to at least make the swatch out of my new fancy yarn that came yesterday sot hat I could print my pattern for the mittens... The blanket is so close to done I can't help but finish it today I don't think and then it's on to mittens for the fam.

weird

yesterday while I was up in wheel I felt all of my organs slippy slide up into my chest cavity from their normal resting spots. It was a very kooky feeling and kinda freaked me out. I came out and then they slipped back. They were really heavy! It was just a funky freaky feeling.

I was totally going to try it again today to see what would happen but Ella showed up mid practice and needed a snack so no go.

Tomorrow, though.

Also, the coffee is starting to disagree with me so I think it's back to tea for the winter.

happy monday!! So happy to not be doing what we were doing last week.

So that means that we need to get back to doing what we were doing before. It's funny, or not, but I WAS feeling sort of complacent, or rather, I was noticing it in others. Our family needed a slap upside the head so hopefully it worked.

now I have that baghdad jones tune stuck in my head.

So I finished the women's sutras book and found it to be just fine but slightly less than what I'm wanting. I'm in the choir and on the bus so I need more than the over view. But I was not expecting total enlightenment from this book so I don't want to seem disappointed with it. Not disappointed. It was actually the perfect thing to read in the hospital with Abbey because there are many places to pause and observe the energy flow which was a great thing to be doing then.

I'm not sure which book will be next, probably I'll start each one and stick with the ones that stick.

ok, off

Phew. I felt so incredibly drained last night that I was scared I was going to get the disease too, but after a pretty darn decent night's sleep with only a couple of wake ups but no get ups I'm feeling better. For reals, I felt like I'd been trippin' with that weird taste in the back of my throat and the imbalanced brain chemicals. I tried to drink a beer but then I just wanted to puke so I went to bed fully expecting to wake up sick. But no. I'm fine. It's all that clean living! ha ha h a nha ah ah a

that's some funny shit right there, mostly because it's true these days. I've only had raw food since abbey went in and I think I even practiced 2 of the days. Gotta get one in today...

John is having meetings all day and is just calling into them from here so I can take Ella to school and ballet later. She's hanging in there, she keeps trying to give Abbey kisses but Abbey of course is still quite cranky.

I did something really stupid with my knittin' project and now I have to figure out how to fix it.

time to make the waffles

Happy Fall

Happy Day. So John made some super yummy minestrone porridge just like I like it the other day and I get to have it all week for lunch and I just did and it's SO good with just a few chips and a big ole glass of milk YUM. Happy belly. I was lying there in savasana and NOT thinking about what to have for lunch when I remembered it. Also had a fun brain game with my new words to TMWSIY. I'm almost done with my autobiography but I almost don't want to finish because then what will I read? Hopefully the new stuff gets here soon.

Glad my vacation is over but also glad I took it.

One good thing about the random weirdness that is facebook is that I came across that picture up there yesterday. He doesn't look happy but at least he's there.

too early!

I knew this would happen sooner or later, I got up nice and early to get the practicing done and out of the way but our floor is soooooo squeaky so I've gone and woken Abbey up. Oh well.

What's that sanskrit word for when you get a group of like mindeds together for a hangout?

So the new yoga journal came the other day. I usually make myself read them in order but for some reason I really wanted to read this one first, do I did, and they had an article on Kali. So I was thinking about her on my drive over to combo class and then I was thinking about Charlie my old collie dog and then I was thinking about how collie and Kali are pronounced the same. Weird.

woke up to my little friend this morning. Am going to cut the inversions this time to see if that's why my normally 3 day friend hung around for like 8 last month.

So I keep doing it wrong at Abbey's school. And her teacher has this way of looking at me that makes me feel very small. I hate that feeling, and I'm not exactly sure why it is that things are so confusing there for me. The first problem was that about 10 minutes prior to the open house Abbey decided that she had to go. It was just long enough to where I didn't think I'd make her try to hold it but where to go? The entrance we were waiting by was locked, the closest other entrance was under construction and had a parent standing there telling everyone not to go that way... So I asked her for directions to the closest bathroom, she takes us all in through the scaffolding and around the barricade to the kindergarten room where I get to barge in on Abbey's new teacher ahead of time. She's flustered and gives me what for for going around the barricade, I try to apologize but really I'm just a little pissed about the whole thing. It shouldn't be so hard to find a toilet at a school. So I think she picked up on my pissiness so she clams up and gives me that look that teacher's always have, that "I'm listening to you but I know I've got you in check-mate" look. So I stop trying to explain. Abbey does her business and we try to go, but then Ella decides that she likes the looks of that toilet and should probably try it out. Finally we escape and head out, but of course we're locked in because I didn't go around the barricade...

So yesterday I go to pick Abbey up. It's raining and Ella fell asleep in the car in the 5 minutes it takes to drive over so I choose to try the car pick up line. I had warned Abbey that I might and I was early so I got the 3rd spot in line and waited. Abbey's class gets to come out first so I can see her looking around for me. I wait for a little bit but then here's where I fuck it all up, I called over to her and she came running but there's a RULE about going between the cars, which of course there is and of course it's not safe for her to do it by herself but god dammit I'm her mama and If I'm standing right here then you teacher people can back the fuck off. You know, how about a map with an arrow on it? In the welcome pack? Here's how you pick the kid up, it wouldn't be hard. Perhaps that'll be my PTA job and I've just realized that PTA stands for Pain in THE ASS.

Getting ready for day 2

So for awhile now I've been waking up early and going to sleep early, like a couple of years. So lately, this past couple of weeks, I've been trying to get up and do yoga before the whole fam-damily is up. Sounds like a great plan in theory and is a great plan in practice except for now all of a sudden I remember what it's like to want to lie in bed and not get up and not have to do whatever it is, that thing that got shook out of me by having small babies... They are not small and now I've remembered how to sleep in. But that's OK, because it's still better to have to get up and do yoga than to have to get up and go work for the railroad.

got some fun stuff at the library, the new laurie berkner CD, which hopefully will include a tour. The BBC's Ballet Shoes, which I totally loved reading when I was a kid, although I should be reading the book but it's the BBC... And the Wizard of Oz which I've been trying to get for Abbey without actually buying it all summer but finally thought to check the damn library. And it's the 2 disc special edition woohoo.

Fun times in Media Land.

Done

Well, I did it. I woke up at my ungodly hour and did my little yoga thing while the sun came up and now it's done. Woohoo

Today is the day that Abbey gets to go to her new classroom and meet her teacher. And then I think we should probably go over to Ella's school and check it out since we can't go to her open house tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to Violet...

more later

Where ya Been?

Just relax, you're doing fine.

Ya ya ya.

Finished both blankets, but haven't uploaded pics because of fear of spiders lurking behind the computer. Ella woke up in the middle of the night screaming about spiders and I can't get her terror out of my head.

Have been practicing some bass just lately again, took about a week off I guess. Realizing again that I must get the cello out. Still time before the wedding, but fast running out.

yoga is all good and is the constant for now, just must.

Still reading the hobbit, but since we're just entering Mirkwood and Ella is already afeared of spiders, well, might take a small break.

Currently knitting socks but really seriously bored with the pattern and wishing I could do something else for a bit, but what?

Swirly

in the noggin today, but I think in a good way. I've been pondering the point of things lately, as in, is there one and since I've decided that there is, what is it? All of this brought about by reading too much yoga stuff I think, and perhaps by listening to too much Mingus. The stuff is dense!

I've decided to worry a lot less about why.

So the fun part of my Rubber Soul project has been the cutting and pasting of charts, I give Ella all of the Ringo parts and she makes things. It's also fun to be able to sight read this stuff so easily and I know I'm practicing the stuff I'm good at already but the other stuff is so hard. yah.

The girls are just getting so big and independent, although I just realized yesterday that the day will come soon where I don't pick Ella up like a toddler anymore. I remember my mom telling me that I was too big to be carried and I was sad. It was easier with Abbey because I was lugging Ella already and just couldn't.

Today

I did some sun salutations, and read some stuff, and fought like the dickens with this headache that's working on day 2 now. I've been winning, though, woohoo. The girls did much better at yoga today, after having a nap. Ella still insists that she doesn't like it. Pooper.

Oooh, and I also practiced this morning for a bit only to realize that I'm pretty much OK on this stuff I think. There are maybe 2 tunes I need to look over still. It will be exciting to hopefully play a gig where I don't suck!

That maybe is the hardest thing, the acceptance of the suck. But it is, so it must be, until it is not.

and with that, I am over and out

Oh yeah

I forgot! This was the month of the massively painful ovulation! Perhaps that is why I had a hurtier than usual beginning to this cycle...

I had a good practice, but then I had to hurry hurry hurry to get the girls to ballet on time, which now has me in headache mode because I got up too quick after a long shoulder stand.

I still need to practice the bass today, Sister Sadie needs some attention. I did get around to watching my Mingus documentary, boy does his kid look like him. Thought it interesting that he was floated away on the Ganges, and I have more to say but this headache is requiring a shower.

detritus

Well, Ella is officially 3. I think she had a nice day, I didn't get the best pics but hopefully someone did. And the best part? I'm officially sane again! 3 years post partum makes such a difference.

Things I'm annoyed by: Why does the yoga studio I used to take classes at make me feel like they don't like me or something? They offered 2 sessions of a kids yoga camp, this week and next. This week we already have a thing, next week we don't so I signed the girls up for the second session. Only to receive a note almost instantly requesting that I come to the first session instead because no one had yet signed up for the second. Um. Ok. Then why is it offered? And I'm sorry but given my history with the place why not ask the 1 other first session person if they could just switch to the second and AGAIN why offer 2 sessions if your only really offering 1? So confused... And where's the 2 kid discount too, now that I'm worked up about it? Music class gives a 2 kid discount mutter mutter

Yet so excited for both girls to get to go to yoga, I got them mats and everything.

Um, yeah, more later

thoughts

so, who knew the cheapo wine was poison? Ugh, I only had 2 glasses I think? Maybe a tad more? Certainly not enough to still be feeling this out of sorts almost 24 hours later.

Still, I'd like to thank the academy, and also my children for sitting so quietly and watching 2 whole shows while I snoozed on the couch. Because then I was able to get up and do a bit of practicing.

The coolest thing to happen to me today, though, was that I was somehow inclined to try Urdhva Dhanurasana out of the blue, why? I don't know. Anyway, I didn't fight it and up I floated! It was so easy that I freaked out and came down and then I was scared to go back up. But very cool none the less. I used to do lots of backbends as a kid but this is the first time in a long time that I feel like I could do one every day again.

the blanket is coming along, I don't think I'm going to try stripes, this time. I'll save that for the next one... (wink wink nudge nudge)

Oh, and in the better left unsaid category, a big old fuck you to my husband and his people for always offering to babysit during nap time. This is not when I need a sitter. For the past 5 years I have been frustrated almost weekly by this phenomenon and today is no different.