knight of cups and strength reversed. I obviously have been spending too much time inside my own mind and not enough time engaging with the outside world. I need to un reverse my strength so that I can start practicing all of my stuff outwardly and in the world rather than inwardly and in my head.

page of wands and the hermit. Wouldn't it be lovely to just do that all day? To just take everything back to the beginning and have all the time and energy in the world but also the wisdom to know what is going on. Sounds heavenly. Yesterday while I was waiting for the bus I saw a fairly large hawk hunting. It dove down into the hedge and then emerged flying towards me. It flew past me pretty close, so that I could see into the eyes of the little sparrow that it held in it's claws. The hawk was just holding the little bird very tightly and it's little eyes were not terrified looking. Yet. Then they flew past and the hawk turned into my neighbor's yard. I wonder if it lives there sometimes. Oh yes, and the other day I re-learned that Pa and Mary Ingalls have the same birthday and it was just the other day.

Wheel reversed with the king of cups reversed. Happy Anniversary to me and mah gurley. These cards are a tad disconcerting when viewed in that light. We have a lot of confusion and not a lot of happy joy. Sort of a Once in a Lifetime moment, I suppose.

four of rods reversed and the magician. Always with the ambivalence about trekking out to my folks house, if I knew just how many sunday afternoons we had left to spend together I would not be squandering any but since I do not know I can squander away.

5 of Cups and Knight of Wands. It seems like Abbey is having a hard time with the social challenges of school. The persona she inhabits there comes out on the way to the bus stop, she starts stating the obvious in a strange and loud voice while not making eye contact. I do not know what to do with this information or how to help her other than by listening to her while she goes through the process. I have some residual guilt for putting her out here in the lame-o subarbs when she is most certainly a city girl.

I did my annual check of my credit score today and I am at a whopping 782. Yay me.

We played yesterday at the Scottish Home. There was a man sitting at the first table who asked to be moved to the back before we started to play. The nurse in her infinite wisdom or laziness, I do not know which convinced him that he would be fine to stay where he was. He proceeded to shit himself, there right in front right by where the band was and then he had to sit in it for the entirety of the performance. And we got to work in the waftings. Why didn't that nurse just do what the poor fellow asked? I have noticed this before in these extended care types of places where the worker bees seem to tend towards controlling rather than assisting. I do not understand why this is OK.

2 of pentacles reversed and 8 of cups reversed. Ella needs to be at school in 20 minutes but she is sleeping and I do not have the heart to wake her. She has been sick all week and I do not think missing color day White is going to set her back. Mostly I am just unable to do any of my own work, but I have been unable to do that for a few weeks now regardless so again, another day will not really matter. Today I am playing with the old folks for the old folks. Tomorrow I am playing with the old folks at borders after we have a Zazz rehearsal with Marshall Vente. Of course I am as out of shape for playing as I could possibly be after having post show letdown.

Lovers reversed and the magician. Hmmm, I stopped pulling cards there for awhile, I suppose a break from the schedule is a good thing but they are so helpful I should just always pull them. The past few days I have been really struggling to figure out what it is that I am currently inspired to do. I sort of expected a let down after the huge build up for the show and the holiday and the other show and the break from school and all of that but I still would like to muddle through it sooner than later. The lovers reversed is troubling, I really wish that that part of my life were not so contentious but wishing it were not so does nothing towards dealing with the fact that it is so. I am obsessed with the image of the pearl, and the irritant that inspires it.