chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion

Queen of Cups reversed and 5 of Pentacles reversed. Sometimes it's not really that fun to play with these things. Dishonorable and depraved with creative forces lurching out of control, along with chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion. woohoo. I get that 5 of pents a lot, right side up and upside down.

Abbey was up and at em early this morning to go to running club. There was a Daisy meeting last evening. I'm glad that Abbey likes to go but it is a group that I am having a hard time finding a fit with. It just seems like a lot of stuff is falling through the cracks. I suppose I should just offer to help more, but I find myself fairly highly irritated by these folks and am concerned that I might let some of that out of the cage if I spend too much time with them.

chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion

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Now playing: Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
via FoxyTunes

Trail of Tears

One of Abbey's favorite things to do this summer has been to work on her State workbooks. I think they are a Highlights thing, every so often we get a workbook and a map of a state in the mail and then Abbey goes to town and learns a lot about that state and she's getting quite good at getting around the map. All of which is good. Oklahoma came the other day, so we started to work on it. Then we get to the word search page. It is a very long list full of eastern native tribes. Here is an excerpt from the text,

Alex is amazed to learn that one-third of the Native Americans who live in the United States live in Oklahoma!

So I explain to Abbey why it is that all of these people live in Oklahoma. About the forced relocation of so many people to this inhospitable area and about how it was better for them to move because otherwise they would be killed. Poor Abbey, she was horrified. All she could ask was "why? why would they do that? Why couldn't they just be neighbors?" And I really wish Andrew Jackson was here to answer her, here in this world in this life to answer for all of that mess. But he is not and it happened and the fact of the matter is I would rather for her to learn about how terrible people are and can be to each other sooner and from me rather than later and from some random. It was so sad, though and neither of us felt like doing the word search after that.

Tales from a Suck Gig

So I've been trying to carve out the time to make myself practice all week, but as it is always the way of things I was going to have to really work for it and I just didn't have it in me. The girls were so very needy and anyway, needless to say I played for all of about 10 minutes all week. So on my way over to rehearsal I start picking on my fingernails because I never learn. So I accidently rip my right hand plucker's nail off a good little way into the quick. yeah, right before the 5 hours that I am not prepared or in shape for. I hate to sound like a whiner, I'm really just mentioning it in the context of the day. So I have that rehearsal and muddle through, it's only a rehearsal so I don't have to worry too much about it but it's a three hour rehearsal with it's own challenges.... Anyway, I get over to Borders for the gig and I'm really looking forward to playing, we have some new music that should be a lot easier to read through and hopefully we'll have fewer of those train wreck moments that seem to make this group both exciting and terrifying. The - My god he's gonna hit the top of the head here?! - sort of stuff, and the - Holy shit where are we now - kind of wackiness that I haven't had happen to me since grade school. But alas, Anne didn't show so no solid time. And for some reason Les' equipment was emitting a horrid and terrible fuzz and distortion on his low end which this fucker in the front row decided must be coming from the horrid bass guitar so it must be turned down and now! Oh no he was not going to sit right there in the front row right the fuck in front of the pa speaker and have to hear a bass guitar sound so horrid. Yeah. it's not me. my shit works. So he complained loudly about the bass for the whole first several tunes until I was seriously turned so far down that I could not hear myself and I am the only thing that keeps the band together when it gets off the rails but I could not step in and assert myself because that fucker had made me turn so far down and I had no finger nail with which to make volume. So it was horrible and no fun and we sounded really bad and I hate that feeling.

But today, is a new day, and it is my birthday and it is also Abbey's birthday so I will try to make her day the best day that she will love the best because she is 6 and has definite opinions about such things. She wanted to wake up at Grandma's and get the grandma birthday treatment and I do not blame her one little bit.

And on that note see my sidebar for my new favorite birthday song

Abbey's Reading Philosophy

The first step to reading is recognizing symbols.

cave trolls

It has been so cold and snowy and blech out here since this weekend I don't think we've been outside for longer than a minute. And we've got the front room all cleaned up so there is no living allowed in there until after our shindig on Sunday. This, my friends, is why god made the tv. I don't even feel one bit guilty for using it because since we've moved here I can honestly say there are more days where it does not get turned on by me or for them then days where it does. Although the powerpuff girls are now on boomerang so we've been watching those. But that just started yesterday.

Tonight the big band is playing at Hackney's again. Hopefully I do not have another case of the nerves like happened last time, although that was a huge learning experience... It's going to be Cheryl and Me leading the poor drummer around by the nose, though, because this is her first gig with us and only her second time through most of these tunes. Ann(e?) is her name, and she's from NAPERVILLE! I have not had the chance to figure out much else about her except that she seems like a girl version of my brother but with a little more pizzaz. I am sure I will know more after tonight.

The girlz had their little ballet show Sunday. I guess it was the Ms. Ann show with accompaniment from the kids. I did not get to go because of the new drummer situation and band practice, but John snapped some photos. I am so glad to be finished with that insanity, Ruth Page here we come. I actually talked to their sitting at the desk guy, he sounded like a dancer. Not like somebody who runs a ballet school so that they can relive their glory days of HS subarban holiday ballet show queendom. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not who I want teaching my girlz anything really. I realize I live out here in the burbs but that doesn't mean I have to accept less than what I expect and pay more.

yoga wise I am holding steady with intending to practice every day but, like, yesterday I had a nap instead. And it's hard to get to the gym when they have childcare if the mornings are full. I'm thinking about trying to head over there every day too, but it's still feeling like such a chore I'm not sure it will happen. we'll see, the kids are off of school for almost 2 weeks so we'll have to do something.

Abbey is getting to be so much more independant, thinking and acting. But then I look again and she's still small but watch out. Ella just likes to snuggle.

Cranky!!

About external things this time, one is just not even worth mentioning but the other is that Abbey and Ella's ballet teacher is requiring attention and money above and beyond what a ballet teacher should, I think. First of all, when we started out over the summer Abbey and Ella were put into the same class. Over the summer this was fine with me because it was Ella's first class of anything ever and we all know how nervous and shy Ella can be. Looking back I think it was an error because since then Ella has started school and does just fine there on her own, and is growing into herself apart from Abbey in an awesome way. So I'd really like for them to be in classes that are appropriate for their level. They currently are in a class where there are 3 -5 year olds, with mostly 4 year olds and Abbey plus 3 3 year olds. The class is an hour. I do not want to sit and watch ballet class for an hour every week. Over the summer I stayed because Ella was new to class and I wanted to make sure that she did OK and stuff, but she did fine. So once the fall session started I'd take the girls in and get them all geared up and then go home for an hour and then come pick them up, usually a little early so I could catch the last little bit of class and get a vibe on the room. The past few weeks there has been a noticeable vibe of frustration in the room. I noticed that 2 of the moms were tucked away off in a corner while most of the moms were talking at a table, and 1 or 2 were actually sitting by the class and watching. The class was divided just this same way! The 2 girls of the seperate moms were only with each other and would only talk to each other. The rest of class was pretty much doing ballet and there were 1 or 2 kids who were having a hard time focusing but their moms were there directing them. My kids were in the group that was doing ballet. I asked them afterwards what was going on and they said that the 2 girls are exclusive and it hurts their feelings. We talked about what ballet class is and what it is for and how it's nice to have friends but that it's not appropriate to behave that way at ballet, the girls got it, they were sad that these 2 others weren't friendly. Then this week I got a call from the teacher to tell me that she was having a problem with Ella and that Ella doesn't do the arms. I know exactly what's going on with Ella, when she gets stressed she shuts down and doesn't do the arms. I told the teacher my concerns about having abbey and ella together, which she brushed off, and I told her that Ella is a bit of a tough nut and that if she hasn't warmed up yet then the ball is still in the teacher's court. That put her off a bit but she came back with a slightly accusoritory tone about there being other 3 year olds in the class that were doing fine. I really didn't want to get into it with the lady because I still needed to do some research. So I talked to Ella about how we have to try and that even if it's hard and we don't think we can it's still our job to try our best and all that jazz and then I went to class and sat on the side with the bad kid moms and watched. And talked to them. And my conclusion is that the ballet teacher is insane. I think my kids are learning ballet, but I think that the social statement being made by her attitude towards the different behaviours in class was very telling. My experience with ballet as a child was that I was not pretty enough or thin enough to be good. The teacher ran me out of town, it felt personal. I hope that I am not bringing that baggage to this situation. Meanwhile the cost of tuition is about 5 dollars lower than the other ballet schools in the area and it's close. but we have been nickled and dimed to death and don't even get a fun costume for the dress up bin out of the deal. they're rented! What kind of buck is she making on costume rentals that she couldn't make on out and out buying them? You pay her for flowers, you pay her for an ad in the program, we buy 15 dollar tickets! Each! Kids are 7. They are invited to be in 2 numbers at 15 each per kid per costume and as they get older they are "invited" to do more!

Obviously I need a new ballet teacher. I cannot deal with this, it will make me have hate feelings.

otherwise I am stressing out over 3 upcoming gigs that I do not feel even remotely ready for and do not see any way to get there without ignoring my children for extended periods. Even with my folks are taking them overnight but that's for a whole different gig that's not until January or something.

Time to make the waffles

Thursday already! Let's see, what shall we do today? I was still really sore and achy at yoga time yesterday so I did lots of stretching and less of crazy things. Off to the gym today and then we are recording at COD which is not really that fun or interesting anymore, but does get the adrenalin going. Can't fuck up, ya know? Tape's rolling. then there is an hour and a half of ballet this evening. That should poop them out. There are 2 girls there who only play with each other and don't allow anyone else to play with them. And it's like, I really like their mom's but what the fuck ladies? A) your kids are disrupting class and B) they are being huge assholes! I just leave and don't watch class anymore but these mom's can sit there and watch an hours worth of this shit every fucking week? They are the 2 teachers too, well, one of them is a teacher and the other is in school to be. I'm really appalled and mortified, though, if you can't tell. Fortunately Abbey and Ella both just participate in the class and pretty much hang out with everybody. At Ballet and at swimming. Nobody like to put their face in the water, yet, that's when we'll have fishes instead of daughters.

I am doing my best not to hurry the finishing work on this blanket but I got a mitten pattern generator and had to at least make the swatch out of my new fancy yarn that came yesterday sot hat I could print my pattern for the mittens... The blanket is so close to done I can't help but finish it today I don't think and then it's on to mittens for the fam.

Phew. I felt so incredibly drained last night that I was scared I was going to get the disease too, but after a pretty darn decent night's sleep with only a couple of wake ups but no get ups I'm feeling better. For reals, I felt like I'd been trippin' with that weird taste in the back of my throat and the imbalanced brain chemicals. I tried to drink a beer but then I just wanted to puke so I went to bed fully expecting to wake up sick. But no. I'm fine. It's all that clean living! ha ha h a nha ah ah a

that's some funny shit right there, mostly because it's true these days. I've only had raw food since abbey went in and I think I even practiced 2 of the days. Gotta get one in today...

John is having meetings all day and is just calling into them from here so I can take Ella to school and ballet later. She's hanging in there, she keeps trying to give Abbey kisses but Abbey of course is still quite cranky.

I did something really stupid with my knittin' project and now I have to figure out how to fix it.

time to make the waffles

So we're home again. Abbey stuck a small plastic doll shoe up her nose. After everything she's been through this week, we finally get home and get to the important job of relaxing and feeling better and she sticks the shoe up her nose. So I call her ped who of course says bring her on in. So I do. My mom pulled up with Ella just as we were packing up to go so they came with us. Mostly for me, I'm a wreck I knew that digging in Abbey's nasal cavity for a tiny plastic shoe was going to be harder for me than anyone. so the doc over there couldn't get it and was in the process of referring us to the appropriate specialist when Abbey sneezed and OUT POPPED THE SHOE!! Woo hoo.

So we're home AGAIN and trying to relax AGAIN.

Please please please no more troubles for Abbey today or tomorrow or this week or really for a very long time. Mama needs to stop worrying about stuff.

How many times and in how many ways can I hate on this processed made in china plastic crap?

The wheel is turning and you can't slow down

my lord what a week.

First Abbey gets soooo sick, then she gets better, then the white sox pull one outta their asses, then then then THIS. Thank you universe for reminding me what it's like to be alive.

woo fucking hoo and thank you for all the phish

More updates! This puzzle that is Abbey's abdomen seems to be a fun one for these docs. I got not one, not two, but three apologies from 2 different doctors about the lack of communication yesterday evening, which was so "normal" for a hospital that I sort of expected it, but I was assured today that they will all be around much more. Ok, that's nice.

Abbey's red blood count is low, so they want to rule out blood in the stool and we are still waiting for the urine culture to grow enough for the lab to rule the UTI in or out. If it's in we'll probably have an ultrasound on the kidneys to check them out. Poor Dabber has to have another blood draw and is currently sniffling about it. I'm glad she's not a cusser yet or she'd have let the guy have it.

All in all things seem better, but I want this infection out of her NOW.

Better

Abbey is finally feeling better. Phew. Her temperature spiked last night but so far today it is as close to normal as I've felt since Wednesday. She's still pretty wrung out but she's actually coloring and talking and even smiling sometimes. We'll probably be here awhile yet, they want to give her another round of the antibiotic this afternoon.

I'm gonna go play with her.

I take back everything nice I said about McNeil, except for maybe how nice the nurse was, because as it turns out Abbey has a UTI from hell. They didn't catch it. If they had we could have started this process on Friday night instead of Sunday afternoon, almost 2 whole days of suffering for Dabber. F them.

Our course of action yesterday was to push the fluids, but we were warned that if she threw up that that could indicate a blockage and that we'd need to come back in promptly. Well, about 9:30 she threw up so we brought her into Loyola which has a ped ER rather than bring her back to crazy McNeil. It's like a hotel here almost, everyone is way more polite and professional, but it is entirely sucky to be here and dealing with this. We are still waiting for the head surgery guy to come and truly release her from the possibility of surgery. She finally got a chance to try and eat and so far it has all stayed down (cross your fingers).

I miss Ella. I'm going to go home with her tonight while John stays here in hell with Abbey. It's at least a kids sort of as nice as it can be kind of hell, but hell it is. There are some amazing splatters of god knows what on the carpet in the hallway. Oh yeah, and we're in the cubs room so I bought a white sox balloon to conteract the mojo and it worked!

I'm just relieved that the surgery option has dropped low low low and the surgeons aren't lurking around licking their chops anymore, that was disturbing. Although it was a surgeon who figured out the uti so good on em.

ok, over and out

Seriously

So I have been fielding calls from doctors all morning. Abbey's ct scan set off alarms for several of the radiologists who looked at it today. Her elevated white count along with the swelling of lymph nodes and large intestine are symptoms of Mesenteric Adenitis. The lack of bm's (Thursday until Saturday morning) made them concerned that she had a blockage. Since there have been at least 2 liquid bm's today the blockage is less likely. So Abbey's ped is recommending that she ingest fluids today, clear liquids. I took that to mean the braty diet. So John says that he's going to the store for campbells chicen soup and 7 - up. And was snotty with me when I recommended something with a little less sodium and sugar, like, say, home made vegetable broth. Why on earth would my husband who is normally such a proponent of home made food turn to these horrid substitutes for food at the time when abbey is most in need of the right stuff? Oh yeah, he is still trying to act like all of this is still an invention of the hospital system's love of diagnosing people with stuff that costs money but my mama instinct is in high gear and he's being very threatening to me right now. As far as I'm concerned he can go get drunk at the golf course and stay there.

I told his mom on him.

fun times

So Abbey has been more sick than I can ever remember her being. So sick that I actually gave her fever reducer medicine yesterday. She felt better after taking the medicine but then would start to feel crappy again. John of course said that we should send her to school and went to his golf thing without a worry. I, against my better judgement, sent her to school only because it was only for an hour and she really wanted to go. After school she zonked out for awhile and then I had to take both girls to Mimi's so that I could go teach Zack.

I really didn't want to do this, Mimi works from home on Fridays and my gut was telling me to stay home. I felt like I needed to go teach Zack, though, because we need the money and I had fronted them about 60 bucks for music which I was expecting to be re-imbursed for yesterday. I also needed to stop by Abbey's dentist to pick up her school form because they would not fax it. So I went. Zack's folks forgot to pay me and the dentiset was closed.

I get home to Abbey finally and she's OK but pretty swifly deteriorates. All day she had been complaining about a sharper pain in her belly. The kicker for me was when she refused to walk to the potty and then started screaming from the pain. I checked the Dr. Sears site which lists these symptoms as the ones to check out. Abbey had all of them except that her pain was centered and not lower right.

• Severe right lower abdominal pain
• Constant pain – it usually doesn't come and go
• Gradually increased pain – the pain will usually get worse and worse
• Fever
• Refusal to eat
• Vomiting – this is sometimes present, but not always
• Refusal to walk – a child with appendicitis will often lie down curled up in a fetal position

I called her doctor and she recommended that we head to the ER to rule out a bladder infection and appendicitis. Yay, a trip to the ER on Friday night. John is still not home so I go to my house and get supplies for Ella to sleep over at Mimi's and head out. Abbey won't walk so I have to carry her and she's heavy! So we get checked in and sit around for awhile before we ar called back for triage where the nurse is pretty harsh when I rate Abbey's pain at a 9 or 10 FOR HER. Since I know her pretty well and this really is the most pain that I've ever seen her in. But somehow my telling the nurse my opinion is not letting her do her job. Then we wait.

Then the debate starts. I'm not sure if I know of a better torture than sitting in the ER with a sick child and being a captive audience for this crap they're calling election coverage this year. I'm decided and I'm done. Anyway, I thought I'd try and call John and see what he was doing, Mimi had said that she had called while I was on my provision run. So I called and god damn it if he wasn't slurring. And answering the phone while driving drunk. Yay.

So back to the good ole ER, the admitting table called out a name, that sort of sounded like Abigail but really didn't because of how strong of an accent the woman used. She didn't use this accent while speaking directly to me, so I didn't catch it. It was only when they called the folks who had come in behind me that I put 2 and 2 together that Abigaeil was my Abbey. I'm still carrying Abbey at this point so I struggle over to her and ask if she had indeed called Abbey and of course she had but could I just wait a minute while she finished with these people? Sure! Let me just lean here on the wall a little. So finally after she finished with those folks she looks up and finally someone who works there (I've been there well over an hour at this point) asks me if I need a wheel chair. Yes thanks. So I fork over my 75 bucks and get Abbey settled into the wheel chair and we go over to wait by the fish. John finally shows up. reeking of booze. yay.

Finally they call us back, but again the thick accent of the people who work there made it hard for me to know what was going on. So we go back to the room, and wait, and the doctor comes in and checks her out. He pokes her belly and orders a cat scan to rule out the problem with the appendix and also wants her to pee in a cup. And of course get an IV. Our nurse, Casey, could be Matt G's long lost brother, he had the same way of speaking, it was eery. He also had the same birthday as Abbey and also had a son her age. He placed a hep lock which Abbey slept through. But she has to drink the nasty barium stuff so we spend the next hour force feeding her little sips of it. Meanwhile, John has decided to tell me that this is all wrong and that I've made the wrong choice to bring her to the ER. He doesn't tell the doctor this, in fact he didn't peep to the doctor, he just tells me like it's all my fault. Great. So of course it's miserable there we wait and wait, and then Abbey finally went for her scan. She fell asleep in the scanner, and then we wait and wait to hear that her appendix is fine but her large intestine is really swollen and is what is causing the pain. And her white blood cell count was worrisomely high. So finally after only 5 hours we're released and head home. She's still sleeping, is still fevered and we are not out of the woods. She has to stay hydrated and has to see her doctor on monday. What a nightmare. I can't say that I wouldn't bring her again if she was exhibiting those symptoms and I'm not sure what I was supposed to do.

I'm very relieved that Abbey doesn't need surgery. I'm beyond upset with John for being such an amazing jerk to me in that situation. There is one certainty, if I should ever need to do this again he is NOT the person I would call. I'm contemplating calling him out on his drunkenness in front of his parents today when we go get Ella. Must decide what the most appropriate way to handle this is because I don't think I can ignore it or forget it.

Ok, I'm off to check her.

Sicko

Abbey is sick. She came out of school looking pale and clammy and said "My tummy is OFF". So I believed her. She's been lying on the new chair moaning in between naps. So needless to say we did not have Ashley over to play today. Her immune system thanks us. I'm sad, though, I was all geared up for it.

I hope she feels better soon, though.

ha ha

Funny fella had to pick between sleeping in and getting a little.

I finally found my old headache drugs from back before I had Abbey and boy do they do the trick. woohoo

Dear Kitchen,

How am I supposed to make breakfast when you are out of eggs? And why weren't you out yesterday when I went to the store? I am glad to see you there, already on the grocery list, but that does not help with my current predicament.

the end

Abbey's teacher uses lots of semi-colons.

off to pour the cereal...

Picture Day

for Abbey. Today we have that and then swimming lessons start and then Abbey has a piano lesson. I'm trying to not get ourselves so busy that we can't just go and do whatever it is. So far we only have stuff on wednesdays and thursdays. We go to my mom's on mondays. Every other week we have Daisy scouts on Tuesdays but that's in the evening.

OK, well, they're up and I've just had to separate them. Ugh. Off to make breakfast

woke up to my little friend this morning. Am going to cut the inversions this time to see if that's why my normally 3 day friend hung around for like 8 last month.

So I keep doing it wrong at Abbey's school. And her teacher has this way of looking at me that makes me feel very small. I hate that feeling, and I'm not exactly sure why it is that things are so confusing there for me. The first problem was that about 10 minutes prior to the open house Abbey decided that she had to go. It was just long enough to where I didn't think I'd make her try to hold it but where to go? The entrance we were waiting by was locked, the closest other entrance was under construction and had a parent standing there telling everyone not to go that way... So I asked her for directions to the closest bathroom, she takes us all in through the scaffolding and around the barricade to the kindergarten room where I get to barge in on Abbey's new teacher ahead of time. She's flustered and gives me what for for going around the barricade, I try to apologize but really I'm just a little pissed about the whole thing. It shouldn't be so hard to find a toilet at a school. So I think she picked up on my pissiness so she clams up and gives me that look that teacher's always have, that "I'm listening to you but I know I've got you in check-mate" look. So I stop trying to explain. Abbey does her business and we try to go, but then Ella decides that she likes the looks of that toilet and should probably try it out. Finally we escape and head out, but of course we're locked in because I didn't go around the barricade...

So yesterday I go to pick Abbey up. It's raining and Ella fell asleep in the car in the 5 minutes it takes to drive over so I choose to try the car pick up line. I had warned Abbey that I might and I was early so I got the 3rd spot in line and waited. Abbey's class gets to come out first so I can see her looking around for me. I wait for a little bit but then here's where I fuck it all up, I called over to her and she came running but there's a RULE about going between the cars, which of course there is and of course it's not safe for her to do it by herself but god dammit I'm her mama and If I'm standing right here then you teacher people can back the fuck off. You know, how about a map with an arrow on it? In the welcome pack? Here's how you pick the kid up, it wouldn't be hard. Perhaps that'll be my PTA job and I've just realized that PTA stands for Pain in THE ASS.

First Day of School

Happy first day of school for everybody! We were all quite nervous, including me. Ella went first, we found her cubby and she went right over to play with the dollhouse that she had been shoo-ed away from for all these years so we got away. Then we came home to hang out and wait for Abbey's turn where she decided that it was quite lonely here without Ella to play with. I think it might have been one of the first and only times that the three of us were here without Ella since we've had her, so that was a little kooky. Then it was Abbey's turn so I dropped her and John off and went to get Ella who had a fine time. And Cupcakes. Abbey was done an hour later and also had a fine time so woohoo. Abbey gets to go back today, Ella gets to go again tomorrow. I'm glad to be into the swing of things because now I can figure out what our routine will be.