Phew. At the very least it is over and done and I do not have to worry about it any more. I am not sure that I am ready to process just yet but I will try. I asked the cards how I should feel about it and they said death and devil reversed. So does that mean that I should change the way that I feel or that a huge change happened? I don't know.

The night started out scary, the tune that had been sent out with changes was in a different key so I just struggled with it all night. This is my greatest embarrassment I think, because the guy sent out a chart and asked everyone to know it and I didn't. Granted his chart was in the wrong key but this is something that I need to be able to do. I felt like my nerves got in the way, but I hope that by laying out I first did no harm. I guess that was my ultimate goal, I am just unable to determine if I was successful or not.

Things were moving along and I felt like I was getting into the groove on the cello a bit. I was sitting by Sonia who was incredibly positive and complimentary. At some point early on I was summoned by Corky to work out a tune for his set, which was the best and most amazing part of the evening, we did this little blues on the cello and harmonica that culminated in hi jinks and shenanigans with me getting a standing O for I think being a good sport more than anything. I was not feeling like I deserved it one little bit so I am a little mortified about it all. It was a high energy number, I'll give it that. The rest of the night went a little better until the finale where I just could not summon the correct chord to save my life. I swear, if I could have just played that one tune the whole night would have felt like a victory but as it is I am just hoping that my ineptitude didn't ruin the recording.

So much conflicting emotion this morning. Oh yeah, and while I thought I was taking it easy during my yoga practice yesterday I really did a number on my hips. Quite sore today plus I aggravated the hip pain thing so that I was having a hard time walking on it so today I will, I think, just knit and listen to some f8 records.

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Listening to: The White Stripes - The Hardest Button To Button

2 of pentacles reversed and the Devil. Today I am very nervous and obsessively envisioning decapitation and dismemberment. I can stop but when I stop stopping it's there again. Anne was nice last night and reminded me that it's just a jam so I'm going to try to ignore the whole stage and lights part and maybe it'll feel like just a jam. Mostly I hope I don't lose it when they start talking about his poor son who was still in the womb and will only ever know that daddy was so horrifically done away with. It is all very upsetting and I seem to need to think about it without making it easier.

I am amused with myself, I signed up to get these emails to remind me to go walk every day and now I actually do it. Now that I don't have to tell myself to do it, but rather get to delete an email and feel all accomplished and stuff then I go do it. I am a silly. The emails are nice, though, they are building up to a 5k walk which is what I'd need to be doing every day to make it to the woods and back, or maybe a little more...

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Listening to: Neil Young - The Losing End (When You're On)

Ella's Plating Masterpiece

Ella's Plating Masterpiece
Originally uploaded by gurley

Ella was helping to make dinner the other night and decided she wanted her dinner plated like a flower. Mostly I just really like her fabulous smile...

6 of Swords Reversed and again with the 4 of swords.

I am so not looking forward to teen aged angst. Abbey was a stinker at her piano class yesterday. She got in big trouble and was sent to bed right after dinner with nothing to do. It was almost worse for me than it was for her, I don't know how you teach people to give a shit about other people but hopefully talking about it a lot works.

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Listening to: Television - See No Evil (Alternate Version)

Today we have the knight of cups reversed and the 4 of swords. The knight of cups is my soggy husband who likes to sleep in and declare "day off" privileges. The 4 of swords is what I need to do with this nervous energy which was only exacerbated by my rehearsal yesterday. I am so close to being so brilliant in this style but it saps my noggin after a few hours. It is hard to put the time in but it is what Needs Doing.

Yoga was HARDS today so I did hard things. It was trying to stop the thoughts, they just kept spinning around and bugging me. It is also hard to re-direct the energy. I have become so used to sending it up that it requires a bit of work to turn it around but I can feel it working already. I've been trying to find more info and more teachings about pranayama, it is the next thing that needs my attention for my home practice. I shall put the call out.

I've also been thinking about trying to do some dream analysis, but I'm not really sure where to start with that since I don't really remember my dreams currently, but I'd like to and I'd like to know what's going on up there...

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Listening to: Booker T. & The MG's - No Matter What Shape

Today we have, again, the ace of wands, but this time coupled with the 7 of wands reversed. I shuffle each deck 3 times before I pull a card, so to pull these same cards all the time is significant. The ace of wands is the fullest expression of the basic element of fire. I have been having a sort of recurring thought, that the imbalance in my hips could be causing some of the root chakra blocking that I have been wondering about. So I decided a few days ago, the day before I started drawing this ace, to try and draw the energy that I always feel spewing out of the top of my head down into my root, really to draw everything down and integrate it all before rejecting anything. It would seem that I have been keeping everything up top. The 7 reversed is about being nervous, which I am. I am practicing today with the group for fodfest and I am nervous about that. I do not feel like I am inordinately nervous or anything, but it is the prevailing emotion.

Oh, and the music librarian project is finally done, all widows and orphans are loaded. We had about 80 gig of music floating around without a home and now it is all filed. I still have several large stacks of live shows, but they will be filed in books which I have to buy one at a time over a larger period of time so that project is not keeping me from my life. This other one was starting to so I am glad it is done.

Ace of wands and again with the 5 of pentacles reversed. That makes twice this week for that 5 of pents.

There is a Polish grandma lady holocaust survivor living across the street. she is from John's old neighborhood. Her husband died recently and now she is being shuttled between her kids and grandkids, whoever can take her. She is sad. I just met her walking on my way home from yoga and she started to cry because she misses her husband and she knows that she is in the way.



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Listening to: Concrete Blonde - Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man

Hello Scorpio

The world and the 2 of swords reversed. This morning when the alarm went off it was that fastball tune, I do not know what it means except to be another synchronicity to follow around all day. I am feeling strangely energized and alert. very much not 2 of swords, so perhaps the reverse is just the opposite today. I love this feeling, though, of being so excited about something even if I'm not sure what it is.

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Listening to: Fastball - The Way

ha ha ha ha

Much better today, Queen of Pentacles and 7 of Pentacles. So many pentacles this week. It's funny, pulling scary tarot cards makes me do yoga pronto and it always seems to fix the problem. For all of the scary cards, though, yesterday was an easy day. No screaming or crying until right there at the end.

Abbey and Ella have this imaginary game that they play call "Danielle and Shoatza" where Abbey is Danielle and Ella is Shoatza and they have adventures. It is funny.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of my awesome book that I was reading but now have finished. It would seem that the point and purpose of this life is to make beautiful experiences and laugh a lot. All of the other stuff that seems so necessary just isn't. We are blessed to be in 3-d because this is the only dimension where there is actual physical experience. Even though it sort of hurts sometimes, and sometimes a lot, that's the trade off.



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Now playing: Beastie Boys - Body Movin'
via FoxyTunes

Noticed something during yoga practice today, I noticed that it would be OK to do really just exactly what I want to do, and that it would be good to practice doing that always.

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Now playing: Primus - Sgt. Baker
via FoxyTunes

chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion

Queen of Cups reversed and 5 of Pentacles reversed. Sometimes it's not really that fun to play with these things. Dishonorable and depraved with creative forces lurching out of control, along with chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion. woohoo. I get that 5 of pents a lot, right side up and upside down.

Abbey was up and at em early this morning to go to running club. There was a Daisy meeting last evening. I'm glad that Abbey likes to go but it is a group that I am having a hard time finding a fit with. It just seems like a lot of stuff is falling through the cracks. I suppose I should just offer to help more, but I find myself fairly highly irritated by these folks and am concerned that I might let some of that out of the cage if I spend too much time with them.

chaos, disorder, delusion and confusion

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Now playing: Wilco - Heavy Metal Drummer
via FoxyTunes

Recognition of Ignorance

8 of Swords and Knight of Pentacles. The 8 of swords is the gate for social awareness. The knight of Pentacles overlooks his magical gifts in favor of hard work and service. This reminds me, the book I am reading is some sort of synchronicity magnet. Whatever I am reading about in there somehow plays itself out into happening somewhere else, sort of a lot. So these cards are apt for the part I was reading yesterday.

Ella just called me into the shower to show me the drum that she made out of a plastic cup and a washcloth.

I am awaiting the piano tuner, at which time Ella and I must vacate to somewhere. The library here does not open until late. Maybe we'll go to Target.

I need to start feeling stress for my Idiom project so that I will do it, it has been in the backseat for far too long for as interesting as it promises to be.

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Now playing: King Crimson - Larks Tongues In Aspic, Part One
via FoxyTunes

Dear Phish - Thank you for the list of kick ass albums to check out or give a re-listen to. This Kiss stuff? sucks. Thank you good bye

When I think of Kiss I am reminded of Tito Espinoza from Kindergarten who loved Kiss and also loved kicking cute girls in the shins. He would use his heel to dig the Kiss symbol in the sand and then chase some poor girl over and kick her by it. yay!

Yesterday I drew Temperance and the Hierophant. We had been to a wedding the night before where I had too much wine. And then I was off to a rehearsal with a guy that we hired to come in and give us tips and pointers. I love when the cards are so obvious and easy.

Today I drew the World and the 5 of Swords. Perhaps I need to make everything into a fun game and I'll, like, win or something. I do not think that is the point...

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Now playing: Kiss - Hard Luck Woman (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Hmmm, 4 of Swords Reversed and the Tower. Weird, what can this mean? The 4's are usually structure of some sort, which relates to the tower, but to have them reversed means the structure is altered? The card showed the princess sleeping on her tower of mattresses with that little pea giving her so much grief. The tower is the highest level card that I seem to get more than once in a blue moon, and I am always befuddled by it's warnings of conforming to the surface pursuits of life. Hmmm. Perhaps the events of the day will bring some insight.

Missed yoga again this week, I am getting antsy to start my moon as she is several days late and this is not the usual at all. This harvest moon is also my conceiving moon so perhaps my world is just reminiscing or something, but I might explode if something doesn't rectify soonish.

Ella is snuffled. Poor little Ella. I dreamed last night that I was hooked up to the flu meter, and the line that indicated flu was right in the center while my peg was just underneath it. I do not feel out of sorts except for my tardy friend but maybe I am fighting something.

It is 1985 on flashback, I am curious.

Today's cards: 10 of Pentacles and Ace of Cups. The 10 of pentacles is a lot like our little house here. There is magic oozing from every crevice but it isn't always perceived. The ace of cups came after I pulled death while looking at Ella. I had to put that one back and try again so the cups with their accepting everything message was appropriate I suppose.

I had a fun time with my parents and at the concert last night. I didn't realize how nervous I was that they would be bored with the stuff that wasn't my part but it turned out to be the percussion ensemble which is quite good and always interesting and then 2 choirs that Abbey liked. And even my part was judged not toooooo boring. We got to come up on the riser and I had to quick plug the amps in and then play which was a little tricky. I was glad there were no horrendous injuries, stages are fucking dangerous if you ask me.

Off to take little Ella to school, she is snuffly but she wants to go.

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Now playing: Phish - Guantanamo Strut
via FoxyTunes

Queen of Rods and Justice reversed. Amazingly I had pulled justice reversed first but I put it back because I didn't want to think about that today, but then when it came up again I stopped blocking it. Starting with the Queen, Rods is my favorite and the one that I most self identify with, so when I pull it it is usually me. I'm not so sure today, though, I think it is just the essence of the rods as is applies to me. I was worried about the justice reversed because I thought it would analyze out as me being unfair but after sitting with it for a minute I do not think so. This morning I got up at my usual time to get Abbey ready for school. John took the day off because he is helping me with my concert later. He was still lying in bed at 8 when Ella decided to watch a show and since I was getting ready to start practicing I didn't see why he couldn't go lie around downstairs with Ella and her show while I got some work done. No stomping around necessary, really. So rather than me being unfair it was unfairness happening to me, which is often a problem for me to distinguish right off the bat.

And now it's time for music class
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Now playing: Joni Mitchell - Coyote
via FoxyTunes

How things are

3 of wands and 3 of pentacles reversed. Lots of 3's. I had a dream last night that John and I were in a riverside bunker with some unknown people while the kids played outside. Next thing I knew the river was raging more than any river I have ever seen, it had covered our bunker and was crashing and bashing like the wave exhibit at the zoo and I knew that there was no way that anyone outside could still be there. Then I woke up. So, what is this water and why is it sweeping away my family?

I have been going through our stacks of CD's that do not have cases and are living in spindles, discs that have no artist information and maybe a title but definitely no track listing. If they look interesting I have been loading them onto our new storage device which holds a terrabyte of information. I have found a lot of great music that I have not heard very much if at all and made it accessible with all of the pertinent info at my fingertips since it is all on the computer. I am not intending to put my whole music collection on this thing, a terrabyte is not nearly enough space to attempt a project like that plus stuff that is filed or has a case and can be filed in the shelf should be. I just want to be able to find and listen to anything in particular as well as hit the shuffle button and learn new things. Then yesterday I was informed that I am stupid for doing this because now that data is duplicated?! First of all, I am not stupid. Secondly, this music is now being listened to whereas before it was sitting in a spindle collecting dust up on top of a shelf where I had to get a steppy stool to get at it. If having duplicate data is such a problem than just pitch the spindle, otherwise it can live up on it's shelf forever for all I care.

Yeah. It's working for me.

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Now playing: Art Blakey - Abdallah's Delight
via FoxyTunes

Today's cards - 3 of Swords and the Empress. I can already relate them both to this morning and last evening. The 3 of Swords is a familiar sorrow, that I am learning to accept and integrate in order to move past. This particular manifestation had to do with being screamed at like I was a child in front of my children by my partner who is supposed to be rather more partnery than that if you ask me. I am actively working to address this issue, though, by trying to only respond calmly to the screaming, although that can be tough sometimes. The Empress is also a common emotion in this part of my life where I have small people around all the time who could be considered subjects I suppose. I do not really like to think of them like that, but they do need guidance and lots of help with stuff so in that way it is apt.

I'm having so much fun playing with the new computer I have been neglecting my other projects but having a little break from them feels OK too.

I am patiently waiting for my DVD of Genitalio, and I have 2 transcriptions to work out but still 2 weeks before they are needed. There is a big band gig and cd recording upcoming as well as a small band gig which earns scratch. There is the Matt and Dirk at Matt's Church thing, possibly Fodfest with Anne and some appearances at Border's mixed in. Idiom is still on track to open for Macabre on Dec. 26. Brutal.



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Now playing: Miles Davis - He Loved Him Madly
via FoxyTunes

New Stuff

We are a household of new computers, updated to this century finally. I am paralyzed with the possibilities. Watch here for more updates.

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Now playing: Joni Mitchell - Song For Sharon
via FoxyTunes